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I must have been really tight last night!
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes, Blonde Jokes, Essex Girl JokesA young blonde woman from Essex goes out drinking one night and she gets really plastered!
The next morning she rolls over and discovers there is an elephant in bed with her!
She looks at the elephant and says, "Oh no, I must have been really tight last night!"
The elephant looks at her and waves his trunk a little and says, "Only the first time."
A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out of it followed by a harem of women and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given menus.
When it is time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster.
One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster.
Again the rooster eats all the apples.
When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains: "I was in the desert one day and found a lamp. It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it."
"Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes.
My first wish was to have an endless supply of money.
My second wish was to have many beautiful women.
And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock."
When it is time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster.
One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster.
Again the rooster eats all the apples.
When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains: "I was in the desert one day and found a lamp. It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it."
"Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes.
My first wish was to have an endless supply of money.
My second wish was to have many beautiful women.
And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock."
What did you wish for?
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes, Aussie Jokes, Magic Jokes
A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says," I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well" says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink, too."
"The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't payin'!"
So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well", says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't payin'!"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."
"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in here...?"
The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
"The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't payin'!"
So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well", says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't payin'!"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."
"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in here...?"
The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
Sheep
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes, Aussie Jokes, Gross Jokes, Kiwi Jokes
An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness. On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep. Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "God!" the bloke cried,"what the heck is going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke's spanking himself in the bar!"
"Fair go, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg masturbating furiously at the bar. "God!" the bloke cried,"what the heck is going on here? I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke banging a sheep, and now some bloke's spanking himself in the bar!"
"Fair go, mate," the bartender told him, "you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."
The Horny Rooster
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes
This farmer had a rooster on his farm that humped ALL the chickens, I mean he REALLY like them. After a while though he got tired of humping just the chickens and started to hump the ducks and the turkeys and any other birds he could find. The farmer noticed this and told the rooster to cut it out before he killed himself.
Well, one day the farmer looked up and saw a vulture flying around (and when there are vultures around that means someone is dead).
The farmer rushed over and saw his rooster laying dead. the farmer said,"i knew you'd do it to yourself someday."
But the rooster wasn't dead - he looked up and said "SSHHH"
Well, one day the farmer looked up and saw a vulture flying around (and when there are vultures around that means someone is dead).
The farmer rushed over and saw his rooster laying dead. the farmer said,"i knew you'd do it to yourself someday."
But the rooster wasn't dead - he looked up and said "SSHHH"
Vampire Bat
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"
Ride to Miami
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms and was soaking up the Miami sun when an old flea friend of his walked by. "Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the first flea when he saw how terrible his friend looked -- runny nose, red eyes, teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some biker's mustache and nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seat and when a stewardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the flea saw Oscar again,looking more chilled and miserable than before. "I did everything you said," Oscar explained. "I went to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
"I got a ride down here in some biker's mustache and nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seat and when a stewardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the flea saw Oscar again,looking more chilled and miserable than before. "I did everything you said," Oscar explained. "I went to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"
Zack & His Mule
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes
Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends
drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his
mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached
55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.
"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver. "his tongue's hanging out."
"Which way?" asked Zack.
"Left," his friend said.
"Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass."
drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his
mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached
55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.
"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver. "his tongue's hanging out."
"Which way?" asked Zack.
"Left," his friend said.
"Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass."
The Legless Parrot
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes, Relationship Jokes
Once there was this couple, they didn't have a lot of money because the wife didn't work, but the guy was happy with his job and they lived a normal life and had a nice home.
One day the man's work put on an "Exotic Pet Contest". The person who had the most exotic pet would win $5,000 dollars and an instant promotion. So the couple decided to go for it! They went to pet stores determined to win the contest. "Hi can I help you?" The sales person said. "Yes were looking for an exotic pet," the husband said. "Oh I have just the one," said the sales person. "Follow me." They stopped in front of a bird cage. Inside was a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch.
"Why's he so exotic?" asked the husband. "Well you see," said the sales person," this bird can talk in many languages and has no legs." "Yes yes I see," said the husband. "So how does he stay on the branch?" "Well sir, he hangs by his dick," commented the sales person. "Wow this will surely win the contest!" the husband thought and bought the bird.
Well the couple ended up winning the contest and a few weeks later the husband came home and the parrot was unusually quiet. He shrugged it off and went upstairs to find his wife. "Milkman came to the door...wife took off milkman's clothes, milkman took off wife's clothes.." the parrot said, but then stopped. "What?" The husband asked and the bird said it again. The husband was in a fit of rage at the parrot and he reached into his cage and started shaking him and shouted; "Yes, and then what? Tell me what happened next!"
"I don't know," the parrot said "I got hard and fell off the branch!"
One day the man's work put on an "Exotic Pet Contest". The person who had the most exotic pet would win $5,000 dollars and an instant promotion. So the couple decided to go for it! They went to pet stores determined to win the contest. "Hi can I help you?" The sales person said. "Yes were looking for an exotic pet," the husband said. "Oh I have just the one," said the sales person. "Follow me." They stopped in front of a bird cage. Inside was a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch.
"Why's he so exotic?" asked the husband. "Well you see," said the sales person," this bird can talk in many languages and has no legs." "Yes yes I see," said the husband. "So how does he stay on the branch?" "Well sir, he hangs by his dick," commented the sales person. "Wow this will surely win the contest!" the husband thought and bought the bird.
Well the couple ended up winning the contest and a few weeks later the husband came home and the parrot was unusually quiet. He shrugged it off and went upstairs to find his wife. "Milkman came to the door...wife took off milkman's clothes, milkman took off wife's clothes.." the parrot said, but then stopped. "What?" The husband asked and the bird said it again. The husband was in a fit of rage at the parrot and he reached into his cage and started shaking him and shouted; "Yes, and then what? Tell me what happened next!"
"I don't know," the parrot said "I got hard and fell off the branch!"
The Legless Parrot
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes, Relationship Jokes
Once there was this couple, they didn't have a lot of money because the wife didn't work, but the guy was happy with his job and they lived a normal life and had a nice home.
One day the man's work put on an "Exotic Pet Contest". The person who had the most exotic pet would win $5,000 dollars and an instant promotion. So the couple decided to go for it! They went to pet stores determined to win the contest. "Hi can I help you?" The sales person said. "Yes were looking for an exotic pet," the husband said. "Oh I have just the one," said the sales person. "Follow me." They stopped in front of a bird cage. Inside was a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch.
"Why's he so exotic?" asked the husband. "Well you see," said the sales person," this bird can talk in many languages and has no legs." "Yes yes I see," said the husband. "So how does he stay on the branch?" "Well sir, he hangs by his dick," commented the sales person. "Wow this will surely win the contest!" the husband thought and bought the bird.
Well the couple ended up winning the contest and a few weeks later the husband came home and the parrot was unusually quiet. He shrugged it off and went upstairs to find his wife. "Milkman came to the door...wife took off milkman's clothes, milkman took off wife's clothes.." the parrot said, but then stopped. "What?" The husband asked and the bird said it again. The husband was in a fit of rage at the parrot and he reached into his cage and started shaking him and shouted; "Yes, and then what? Tell me what happened next!"
"I don't know," the parrot said "I got hard and fell off the branch!"
One day the man's work put on an "Exotic Pet Contest". The person who had the most exotic pet would win $5,000 dollars and an instant promotion. So the couple decided to go for it! They went to pet stores determined to win the contest. "Hi can I help you?" The sales person said. "Yes were looking for an exotic pet," the husband said. "Oh I have just the one," said the sales person. "Follow me." They stopped in front of a bird cage. Inside was a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch.
"Why's he so exotic?" asked the husband. "Well you see," said the sales person," this bird can talk in many languages and has no legs." "Yes yes I see," said the husband. "So how does he stay on the branch?" "Well sir, he hangs by his dick," commented the sales person. "Wow this will surely win the contest!" the husband thought and bought the bird.
Well the couple ended up winning the contest and a few weeks later the husband came home and the parrot was unusually quiet. He shrugged it off and went upstairs to find his wife. "Milkman came to the door...wife took off milkman's clothes, milkman took off wife's clothes.." the parrot said, but then stopped. "What?" The husband asked and the bird said it again. The husband was in a fit of rage at the parrot and he reached into his cage and started shaking him and shouted; "Yes, and then what? Tell me what happened next!"
"I don't know," the parrot said "I got hard and fell off the branch!"
Zoo or no Zoo ...
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes
A young newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged relative. This parrot was very talkative, and was forever informing visitors as to what went on in the newlyweds' home. One evening, after a very embarrassing comment from the bird, the husband had enough and said to the parrot, "that's it! You will be covered up much earlier in the future, and if you take your cage cover off or embarrass us again, you will be sent to the Zoo."
A couple days later the couple were preparing for a short trip, and as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. So the husband said, "I'll get on top and jump up and down and you see if you can get it."
After a bit the wife said, "This is no good. I'll get on top and you see if you can get it."
This still did not work, and so the husband said, "Tell you what, let's both get on top and bounce up and down - that'll get it."
With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I have got to see."
A couple days later the couple were preparing for a short trip, and as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. So the husband said, "I'll get on top and jump up and down and you see if you can get it."
After a bit the wife said, "This is no good. I'll get on top and you see if you can get it."
This still did not work, and so the husband said, "Tell you what, let's both get on top and bounce up and down - that'll get it."
With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I have got to see."
The Upfront Parrot
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a
parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said
that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store
manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the
parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the
parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her,
"Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said
that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store
manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the
parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the
parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster
wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
He says, "What on earth is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all
his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him
warm."
"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"
The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to
hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders.
He says, "What on earth is that all about?"
The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all
his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him
warm."
"Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?"
The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to
hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Afraid Of Bees
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes
A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what
he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an
inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there
was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner
assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer
would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow
himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest.
So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if
ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The
buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor
buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up
to him and asked him if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that
calf have a mother?"
he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an
inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there
was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner
assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer
would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow
himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest.
So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if
ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The
buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor
buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up
to him and asked him if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that
calf have a mother?"
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