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I used alcohol as a substitute for women
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes, Relationship Jokes
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
The 5 Stages of Drunkeness
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes
Stage 1 -- Smart
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.
Stage 2 -- Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.
Stage 3 -- Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.
Stage 4 -- Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.
Stage 5 -- Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.
Stage 2 -- Handsome/Pretty
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.
Stage 3 -- Rich
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.
Stage 4 -- Bulletproof
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.
Stage 5 -- Invisible
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.
Mop Bucket
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes
This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the bartender where's the bathroom at? The bartender said, go down the hall & make a right.
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. Through the door he asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says,
"No wonder, you're sitting on my mop bucket!!"
Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on in the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom.
This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. Through the door he asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks in and says,
"No wonder, you're sitting on my mop bucket!!"
Ode
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes
He put his hand around my neck,
So that I could not scream.
He brought me up to his room,
So we would not be seen.
He took off all my wrappings,
And gazed upon my form.
As I stood cold and shivering,
He stood there hot and warm.
He touched me with his feverish lips,
And placed me on my rear.
He made me what I am today,
An empty bottle of beer.
So that I could not scream.
He brought me up to his room,
So we would not be seen.
He took off all my wrappings,
And gazed upon my form.
As I stood cold and shivering,
He stood there hot and warm.
He touched me with his feverish lips,
And placed me on my rear.
He made me what I am today,
An empty bottle of beer.
A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Ice Cube
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Short Jokes
Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, "Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"
"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years."
Drinking Buddies
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes
A couple of drinking buddies, who are United Airplane mechanics, are in a
hanger at San Francisco airport. The runway is fogged in and they have
nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will
kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time ... as only
drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring
that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is
surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels great ... no hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels.
"I feel great!" he says.
His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover
either?"
"No" he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff ... no hangover. We ought to
do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No..."
"Well...don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
hanger at San Francisco airport. The runway is fogged in and they have
nothing to do.
One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The second guy says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that it will
kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time ... as only
drinking buddies can do. The following morning, one of them wakes up figuring
that his head will explode if he gets up. Nevertheless, he gets up and is
surprised to find that he feels good; in fact, he feels great ... no hangover! The phone rings. It's his buddy asking him how he feels.
"I feel great!" he says.
His buddy agrees, saying, "I feel great too! You don't have a hangover
either?"
"No" he replies. "That jet fuel is great stuff ... no hangover. We ought to
do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No..."
"Well...don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!"
Two old drunks were drinking up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know,
when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the
time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm
gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one
hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the
time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm
gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one
hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd
take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our
closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd
take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our
closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
Bar Guide
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, or the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.
SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, or the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
No Paper
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes, Gross Jokes, Religious Jokes
A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother fuckers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' mother fuckers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
Not A Foot
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes
An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a
Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and
says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis
and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.
"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk.
Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and
says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis
and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screamed the receptionist.
"Holy shit, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replied the drunk.
Puking
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes, Gross Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Sick Jokes
George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"
George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shat in my pants."
George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"
George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shat in my pants."
Tequila
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes
A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender,
"Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the
bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He
points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your
mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking
his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" The
bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast
as he can. Then he looks over at the three men. He points at
another man and shouts "You! Your mother gives me a blow job!"
The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his
beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" This
time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough." "Just
one more!!" yells the old man. So the bartender gets him one more
tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then looks at
the three men. He points at the third man and shouts "You! I eat
out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks
at the other two men.
All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.
Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."
"Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila.
The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the
bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He
points at one of them and says "You! I have slept with your
mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking
his beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" The
bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast
as he can. Then he looks over at the three men. He points at
another man and shouts "You! Your mother gives me a blow job!"
The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his
beer.
Then the old man yells "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" This
time the bartender says "No, old man, you have had enough." "Just
one more!!" yells the old man. So the bartender gets him one more
tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then looks at
the three men. He points at the third man and shouts "You! I eat
out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks
at the other two men.
All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man.
Then they say "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink..."
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