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Little Johnny gambling

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The teacher had caught little Johnny gambling several times. She requested a conference with Johnny's dad who admitted that he also had tried to break Johnny of his gambling habit. After many failed efforts, Johnny one day (after school) called the teacher a hypocrite.

"Why do you say that, Johnny," she asked. "Because you are." Again she asked, "why." He said, "Because you're not a true blonde."

She demanded to know how much money Johnny had. It came to about $50. She bet him $50 dollars she was a true blonde. She went behind her desk and removed her panties.

Then she stood with her back to the door and pulled her dress up showing her radiantly blonde pubic hair. Afterwards she called the father and told him what she had done "in Johnny's best interest."

The father moaned and groaned and cried, "Oh, no," numerous times.

The teacher said, "Look, I did this for Johnny. Do you think it was easy for me to pull up my dress and show Johnny my pussy? I'd think you'd be understanding instead of critical!"

The father replied, "Oh, I'm not so upset that you showed Johnny your pussy, it's just that..."

"Just that what?" the embarrassed teacher asked.

The father replied, "It's just that I decided to break Johnny of betting myself, and this morning I bet him that he was wrong when he boasted that before the day was over, he'd have you lifting your skirt and showing him your pussy."

She's just feeding him

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Little Johnny was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.

"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" Little Johnny asked.

"Relax, mate. She's just feeding him," the father replied.

"Get the fuck outta here!" Little Johnny, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat all of that!"

Well what would you like for Christmas?

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Little Johnny sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".

Little Johnny thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping Little Johnny's nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again Little Johnny thinks a second and says, "No,I have all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

Little Johnny replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

Playing Doctor

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Little Johnny and a girl were playing doctor.
Little Johnny boldly pulled off his shirt, pointed to his nipples and said, "I've got two of these, how about you?" the little girl opened her blouse and looked and said, "Yupp!".

So Little Johnny pointed to his belly button and said, "one of these?" The little girl looked down and said, "uh-huh!".

So Little Johnny dropped his drawers and pointed to his penis and said, "What about this?"

The little girl raised her skirt and pulled her underwear to the side, but search as she might she couldn't find that particular organ. Little Johnny taunted her till she ran home to her mommy!

She returned 15 minutes later with a big grin on her face and said, "My mommy told me that when I am 15 years old, I'll have as many of those as I want!"

I like the way you are thinking

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "

None," replied Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, and one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny. "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

Fire Engine

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A man was driving down the street when he saw Little Johnny with a fireman's hat on sitting in a little red wagon being pulled by a black lab. He thought that this has to be the cutest thing I've ever seen. I've got to stop and talk to this little boy.

He got out, looked and said "Son, that sure is a nice fire engine you've got there but, don't you think he would pull a little better if you had that rope tied around his neck instead of his balls?"

Little Johnny looked at him and said, "Well, I guess he'd pull better but, then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Taste Test

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One morning at school, the teacher informed the class that they were going to
play a tasting game. She said that they would stand in line and she would
blindfold the first student and give them something to eat and they had to
guess what it was.

She gave the first student a slice of apple and said "What do you taste?"

"An apple" the student said.

"Very good" says the teacher.

She gave the second student a slice of pear and said "What do you taste?"

"I'm not sure" said the student. So the teacher gave him another slice.

"Now do you know?" asked the teacher.

"I think it's a pear" the student said.

"Very good" says the teacher.

The third student came up, was blindfolded and given a Hershey's Kiss.

"What do you taste?" asked the teacher.

(Now this student saw that by "not knowing" you get more of the same), so she
said "I'm not sure."

Sure enough, she got another piece.

"I'm still not sure" she said after eating the second piece.

The teacher gave her a third Hershey's Kiss and said "Here's a little clue.
It's something your mommy gives your daddy before bed."

From the back of the line Little Johnny shouts "SPIT IT OUT! IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!!"

Swear Brothers

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One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Little Timmy and Little Johnny, were riding in their car on the way to church.

Timmy leaned over, smacked Little Johnny across the head, and Little Johnny yelled out "Ouch you fucking wanker!"

Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do."

The priest says "Well, have you tried smacking them?"

She said "No, doesn't the church look down on that?"

The priest says "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception."

The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Timmy what he wants for breakfast.

Timmy says "Well, gimme some fucking waffles."

The mom backhands Timmy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door.

Shocked and terrified by this, Little Johnny becomes very quiet. His mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was, "Well you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"

Hello Mr Schoolbus Driver

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This retarded kid is starting his first day of school. He walks down to the bus stop and waits for the bus to take him to school.

The bus eventually drives up and opens the door. "Hello Mr Schoolbus Driver" he says in a slurred voice.

Then the bus door closes and drives off without picking him up. He went back home, told his parents and figured he would try again.

The next morning, he stood at the bus stop, the bus came around and opened the door.

In a slurred voice the boy says ,"Hello Mr Busdriver!" To which the bus driver closed the door and drove off.

The boy went back to his parents and told them, to which they were majorly pissed off.

The next morning, they came down with the boy to the bus stop to talk to the driver.

The bus came past and the door opened. The father of the boy asks, "My boy needs to go to school each morning, but you keep closing the door and driving off, how come?"

The bus driver says in a slurred voice, "He keeps making fun of me!"

Rat

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A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, "Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter."
She begins with the letter "A" and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Little Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer.

Mary stands and says, "A...Apple"

The teacher replies, "That's great, Mary, good job."

So she moves on to the letter "B", and again Little Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say "Bitch" or something like that so she calls on Todd.

Todd says, "B...Baseball." And the teacher replies, "Good Job, Todd." So they start going through the alphabet and the class' attention dwindles, except for Little Johnny.
The teacher comes to the letter "R" and no one, except for Little Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him.

"Okay Little Johnny, what starts with R?" she says.

"R...Rat" Little Johnny replies.

"Rat, ...that's it...rat?"

"Yeah," says Little Johnny, "Big-ass mother-fuckin' rat with a dick 12 inches long."

The bigger they are, the dumber they are

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Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach.

The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water.

Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.

Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play.

Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

Cow Birth

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A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

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