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Deaf Genie
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Magic Jokes
A guy walks into a pub, orders a beer, and sets a paper bag on the bar. Several beers later, the curious bartender asks what was in the bag. Without a word, the customer reached in and pulled out a miniature piano, then a small man, about a foot tall, who sat down at the piano and began to bang out rhythm and blues. "Wow, where'd you get that?" the barkeep asked. "I found a bottle," the customer explained. "When I rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted me one wish. It's right here." he said, reaching into his coat, "if you want to give it a try."
The bartender gave the bottle a rub and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I want a million bucks," he said. Suddenly, the bar was filled with ducks, a million of them. "Hey, I said bucks, not ducks! Is this genie deaf or something?"
"Hey, friend, you don't think I actually asked for a 12-inch pianist, do you?"
The bartender gave the bottle a rub and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I want a million bucks," he said. Suddenly, the bar was filled with ducks, a million of them. "Hey, I said bucks, not ducks! Is this genie deaf or something?"
"Hey, friend, you don't think I actually asked for a 12-inch pianist, do you?"
A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out of it followed by a harem of women and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given menus.
When it is time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster.
One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster.
Again the rooster eats all the apples.
When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains: "I was in the desert one day and found a lamp. It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it."
"Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes.
My first wish was to have an endless supply of money.
My second wish was to have many beautiful women.
And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock."
When it is time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster.
One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster.
Again the rooster eats all the apples.
When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.
The sheik explains: "I was in the desert one day and found a lamp. It was a bit dirty so I rubbed it to clean it."
"Just as I did, out came a Genie and granted me three wishes.
My first wish was to have an endless supply of money.
My second wish was to have many beautiful women.
And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock."
The Cat
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Magic Jokes
An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered."
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess."
*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.
*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered."
The King
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Magic Jokes
A king travels through the desert, when he suddenly discovers a man captured under a big rock, he throws a rope around the rock and ties it to his horse and pulls the rock off the man. The man, gratefull as he is, tells the king that he's really a great sorcerer, and gives the king three wishes.
The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "puff, it's done". The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal". The sorcerer replies "puff, it's done". The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horses genitals". The sorcerer replies "puff, it's done".
The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "here stab me with the knife". Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies "that's not even the best part look at this" and the king drops his pants.
Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud, "Damn that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen !"
The king looks at the Sorcerer and says "OK, then I wish to be immortal", the sorcerer replies "puff, it's done". The king takes a knife and stabs himself and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horse to be immortal". The sorcerer replies "puff, it's done". The king, happy as can be, stabs his horse and nothing happens, then he says "OK, then I want my horses genitals". The sorcerer replies "puff, it's done".
The king, still happy, jumps on his horse and rides back to his castle, in the doorway he meets his friend Peter, jumps off the horse and tells Peter that he's now immortal. Peter laughs, but the king gives Peter his knife and says "here stab me with the knife". Peter stabs the king as ordered and nothing happens, then the king shows Peter that his horse also is immortal, and replies "that's not even the best part look at this" and the king drops his pants.
Peter looks at the naked king and screams out loud, "Damn that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen !"
Mirror, Mirror .....
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Magic Jokes
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
White and surrounded by women
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Magic Jokes
A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin he rubbed it.
POOF! A Genie appeared. "Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?"
The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes.
"Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins"
"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women."
"No problem" said the Genie, POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.
POOF! A Genie appeared. "Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?"
The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes.
"Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins"
"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women."
"No problem" said the Genie, POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.
What did you wish for?
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Animal Jokes, Aussie Jokes, Magic Jokes
A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?" The man says," I'll have a pint", and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well" says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says "I suppose you want a drink, too."
"The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't payin'!"
So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well", says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't payin'!"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."
"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in here...?"
The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
"The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't payin'!"
So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket.
The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. The cat orders up a half and says, "But I ain't payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again. "The same?" asks the barman. "Well", says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch... but I ain't payin'!"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven and twenty out of his pocket. As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can't contain his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well", says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
"That's fantastic", says the barkeep, "What did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant," says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."
"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in here...?"
The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Voodoo Dick
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Magic Jokes, Police Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Sex Jokes
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He
was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except !!!" and he stopped."
businessman "Except what?"
the old man "Nothing, nothing."
businessman "C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
the old man "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
dick.'"
businessman "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said
"Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once
more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to
$700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny, she thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to
go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was
pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop
screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He
was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except !!!" and he stopped."
businessman "Except what?"
the old man "Nothing, nothing."
businessman "C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
the old man "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
dick.'"
businessman "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said
"Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once
more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to
$700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny, she thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to
go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was
pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop
screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
-
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