Medical Jokes
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Why don't you try nursing?
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Blonde Jokes, Medical Jokes
A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained.
"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The blonde girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
"I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said... "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The blonde girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says... "Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
What's the bucket of sand for?
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Medical Jokes, Sport Jokes
A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.
Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"
Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."
The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."
The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"
The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck."
The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"
The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"
I've come three times already
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Medical Jokes, Prostitute Jokes
An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow and I don't know how many more years I have left. My good wife died ten years ago and I've had no sex at all since then. I'd love to experience sex one more time before I die so I've hired a hooker for the night. Can you give me something that'll help me get it up?"
The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff as it's extremely potent, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."
Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"
"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."
"That's great," the doctor said. "The hooker must be astounded."
"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet!"
The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff as it's extremely potent, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."
Later that night, out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?"
"Fabulous," the old man said. "I've come three times already."
"That's great," the doctor said. "The hooker must be astounded."
"Not exactly," the old man said. "She's not here yet!"
That's not my butt, Doc!
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Blonde Jokes, Medical JokesA beautiful blonde lady about 21 went to a doctor and asked for a check-up.
The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check-up. So he asked her, "Where shall I put the thermometer?"
The blonde replied, "...uh ...not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it."
"Okay...let's try your armpit." the doctor suggested.
"Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt?" she queried.
"Okay then," so he put the thing in the blonde's butt.
Later, the broad while giggling exclaimed, "that's not my butt, Doc!"
The doctor replied, "That's okay dear... it's not the thermometer, either."
Would you like me to numb you down there?
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Blonde Jokes, Medical JokesA sexy blonde goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling.
He says: "You're nervous, aren't you?"
"Yes, it's my first visit to a gynechologist."
"Would you like me to numb you down there?"
"Oh, yes please."
He sticks his face between her legs and goes: "Num, num, num . . ."
The Red Ring
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Medical Jokes
A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem."
The doctor sends him into his examination room. He examines the man to find the man has a red ring around his penis.
The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area and has him return in a week.
"It all cleared up!", the man reports when he returns. "But what was that medication you gave me?"
The doctor said, "Lipstick remover."
The doctor sends him into his examination room. He examines the man to find the man has a red ring around his penis.
The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area and has him return in a week.
"It all cleared up!", the man reports when he returns. "But what was that medication you gave me?"
The doctor said, "Lipstick remover."
The Diagnose Computer
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Medical Jokes
One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed.
It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed.
It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.
Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine,
get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better!
10.. 9..
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Medical Jokes
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete
checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and
you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."
checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and
you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"
"Nine..."
Painting the Toilet Seat
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Medical Jokes
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to
paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the
kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than
expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the
toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic
shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off
they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his
wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor,
have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."
paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the
kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than
expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down and gets the
toilet seat stuck to her rear. She becomes upset and in a panic
shouts to her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat to cover the stuck seat, and off
they go. When they get to the doctor's office, the man lifts his
wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor,
have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes." the doctor replied. "But never framed."
Screwing Off
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Medical Jokes
A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a face lift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the face lift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!
"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear."
"That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that."
Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made."
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.
"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your breasts. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want
to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man
to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes
into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and
why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The
wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab
to work. I dont have any money.
The cab driver asks me, "So are you going to pay today or what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". When I get to work I'm late so the boss
asks me, "So are we going to write this down in the book or
what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". Back home agian I take the cab and again
I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, "So are
you going to pay this time or what"?
"So again I take a 'or what'". So you see doc when I get home I'm
all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what"?
to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man
to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes
into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and
why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The
wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab
to work. I dont have any money.
The cab driver asks me, "So are you going to pay today or what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". When I get to work I'm late so the boss
asks me, "So are we going to write this down in the book or
what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". Back home agian I take the cab and again
I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, "So are
you going to pay this time or what"?
"So again I take a 'or what'". So you see doc when I get home I'm
all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what"?
Surgery
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Medical Jokes
"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her
vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a
secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor
agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed
beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I
thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he
says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you
went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She
assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He
wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a
secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor
agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed
beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I
thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he
says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you
went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She
assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He
wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
Health Plan
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Medical Jokes
Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant they passed a room where you could see a man masturbating FURIOUSLY through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.
"Ah." said the Doctor. "Now although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much sperm that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."
"Oh." said her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose I can understand."
A little further on down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open, and through it you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient oral sex.
"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty. "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid goings-on!"
"Ah". Said the Doctor. "Same problem, better health plan."
"Ah." said the Doctor. "Now although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much sperm that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."
"Oh." said her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose I can understand."
A little further on down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open, and through it you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient oral sex.
"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty. "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid goings-on!"
"Ah". Said the Doctor. "Same problem, better health plan."
Incontinence
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Medical Jokes
This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor.
The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.
When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.
She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror.
The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.
After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.
He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.
The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.
When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror.
She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror.
The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.
After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed.
The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.
He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed.
The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
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