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A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tattooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request.
The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattooing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"
The man replies, "That's personal."
With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer intrigued by such a bizarre request he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."
The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable."
The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."
The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattooing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"
The man replies, "That's personal."
With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer intrigued by such a bizarre request he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."
The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable."
The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."
Tarzan's Interview
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Men Jokes
Tarzan leaves the jungle, comes to civilization, and applies for a job.
Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy
Interviewer: Name?
Tarzan: Me Tarzan
Interviewer: Married?
Tarzan: Wife Jane
Interviewer: Children?
Tarzan: Son boy
Interviewer: Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?
Tarzan: Tarzan, King of the Jungle
Interviewer: Jane's Whole Name
Tarzan: Jane's Hole named Pussy
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty
communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his penis on
the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and
then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the
deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you
shouldn't bet."
communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his penis on
the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and
then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the
deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you
shouldn't bet."
In the afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby
lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head
to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to
stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"
"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"
With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the
red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter
he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully
in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop.
A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can
I do for you?"
"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to
drink?" Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a
can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In
order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go
faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all
in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our
guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells
to the guy, "So, let me guess, you're the blue bastard of the
asphalt and just what the hell do you wanna have?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."
lake and relax. On his way to the lake one guy dressed from head
to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gestures him to
stop. Our guy rolls down the window. "How can I help you?"
"I am the red bastard of the asphalt, you got something to eat?"
With a smile in his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the
red dressed guy and drives away. Not even five minutes thereafter
he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully
in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop.
A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window. "What can
I do for you?"
"I am the yellow bastard of the asphalt, you got something to
drink?" Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a
can of coke and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In
order to make it to the lakeside before sunset he decides to go
faster and not to stop no matter what.
To his frustration he sees another guy on the side, dressed all
in blue, making a hand signal to stop him. Not quite willing our
guy decides to stop a last time, rolls his window down and yells
to the guy, "So, let me guess, you're the blue bastard of the
asphalt and just what the hell do you wanna have?"
"Driver's license and registration, please."
Rules for what men can and cannot wear at a pool
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Men Jokes
1) Speedos. Speedos cannot be worn by men under the following conditions:
A. If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you
probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be,
if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your
skimpy bathing suit.
B. If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be
wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics
tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to
lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the
top of your Speedo.
C. If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as
opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get
turned on by 1 and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
D. If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.
2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for
the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing less sexy
than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, so keep your boys hidden.
3) No thongs under any circumstances.
4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.
A. If when you look down, you can't see the color of your Speedo, you
probably should not be wearing one. No matter how manly your chest may be,
if your belly exceeds your chest, it is not arousing to women to see your
skimpy bathing suit.
B. If your belly hangs down over the top of the Speedo, you should not be
wearing one. No, women are not impressed that you can do finger acrobatics
tying up your Speedo with only one hand, as the other hand is being used to
lift up the fold of skin of your belly hanging mercilessly down over the
top of your Speedo.
C. If you have one of those penises that kind of stick straight out as
opposed to hang down, you should not be wearing one. No, women do not get
turned on by 1 and a 1/2 inches of pure male passion raging from your loins.
D. If you have a butt that is larger than most lawn chairs, skip the Speedo.
2) If you cannot wear a Speedo, and are wearing short type bathing suits, please for
the sake of all humankind, wear one with an inner shell. There is nothing less sexy
than seeing your boys hanging down as you sit in that position that only a man can do so gracelessly, so keep your boys hidden.
3) No thongs under any circumstances.
4) If you wear sandals, do not wear white knee socks.
Swipe Card
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Men Jokes
Three men walked into a strip bar, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of a strippers butt.
The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt.
The third guy takes out a credit card, swipes it through the stripper's butt and takes the 200 bucks.
The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt.
The third guy takes out a credit card, swipes it through the stripper's butt and takes the 200 bucks.
A new study in the journal Intelligence shows that people with big brains are smarter than those with small brains.
Unless, of course, a guy with a big brain encounters a woman with big breasts, then he becomes a drooling idiot.
Unless, of course, a guy with a big brain encounters a woman with big breasts, then he becomes a drooling idiot.
Private moment
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Men Jokes
A doctor told Jim that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
Jim decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
A voice said, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
Jim replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well", said the cop, "you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Jim decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it.
He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.
He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
A voice said, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
Jim replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
"Well", said the cop, "you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal.
A man with no arms in his sleeves comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?".
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help the man. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy.
Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
A man with no arms in his sleeves comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?".
Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help the man. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy.
Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.
"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says
"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"
Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"
Two old drunks were drinking up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know,
when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the
time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm
gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one
hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the
time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard."
"By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm
gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one
hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "What's your point?"
"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"
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