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A deaf couple are getting married
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Relationship Jokes
A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they should make sure from the start that they understand important matters, so using sign language he explains to his bride:
"When - I - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your - left - breast - once."
"When - I - do - NOT - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your - right - breast - twice."
"When - you - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my - penis - once."
"When - you - do - NOT - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my - penis - fifty - five - times."
"When - I - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your - left - breast - once."
"When - I - do - NOT - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your - right - breast - twice."
"When - you - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my - penis - once."
"When - you - do - NOT - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my - penis - fifty - five - times."
Do you have reservations?
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Relationship Jokes, Short JokesA biker and his new bride show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."
Now you won't see me for a while
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Relationship Jokes, Sex Jokes, Short JokesA young couple is on their honeymoon.
After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."
"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?"
"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."
A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head "no."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?"
Billy tries all the time
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Blonde Jokes, Relationship JokesMother: What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now.
Blonde daughter: I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.
What I should feed you for
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Relationship JokesA couple is throwing a dinner party, and the husband who is very skinny is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."
"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband..."
"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."
A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tattooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request.
The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattooing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"
The man replies, "That's personal."
With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer intrigued by such a bizarre request he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."
The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable."
The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."
The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattooing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"
The man replies, "That's personal."
With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer intrigued by such a bizarre request he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."
The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable."
The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want
to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man
to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes
into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and
why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The
wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab
to work. I dont have any money.
The cab driver asks me, "So are you going to pay today or what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". When I get to work I'm late so the boss
asks me, "So are we going to write this down in the book or
what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". Back home agian I take the cab and again
I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, "So are
you going to pay this time or what"?
"So again I take a 'or what'". So you see doc when I get home I'm
all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what"?
to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man
to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes
into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and
why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The
wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab
to work. I dont have any money.
The cab driver asks me, "So are you going to pay today or what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". When I get to work I'm late so the boss
asks me, "So are we going to write this down in the book or
what"?
"So I take a 'or what'". Back home agian I take the cab and again
I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, "So are
you going to pay this time or what"?
"So again I take a 'or what'". So you see doc when I get home I'm
all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what"?
You know what I want
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Irish Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Short JokesPaddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Voodoo Dick
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Magic Jokes, Police Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Sex Jokes
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He
was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except !!!" and he stopped."
businessman "Except what?"
the old man "Nothing, nothing."
businessman "C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
the old man "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
dick.'"
businessman "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said
"Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once
more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to
$700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny, she thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to
go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was
pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop
screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He
was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except !!!" and he stopped."
businessman "Except what?"
the old man "Nothing, nothing."
businessman "C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
the old man "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
dick.'"
businessman "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said
"Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once
more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to
$700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny, she thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to
go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was
pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop
screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
I used alcohol as a substitute for women
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes, Relationship Jokes
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.
The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Relationship Jokes, Short JokesQ: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Relationship Jokes, Short Jokes
How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
Phone her.
Phone her.
A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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