Religious Jokes
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It turns out that Heaven isn't above Hell, but rather, Heaven
and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long
wooden fence.
One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands
perform with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start
having a heck of a party. Toward the end of festivities, a big
fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the
fence and burns it down.
God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the
fence.
The Devil says, "Sure, no problem. I've got all the union leaders
over here as well as most of the building contractors."
So, the fence is rebuilt but it's three feet to one side so that
Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is PO'd.
"If you don't move that fence back," yells God, "I'm gonna sue
you."
"Yeah, right," says the Devil. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?
and Hell share the same plane and are separated only by a long
wooden fence.
One day, the Devil decides to throw this huge bash. Lots of bands
perform with some of the biggest names, and the Damned start
having a heck of a party. Toward the end of festivities, a big
fireball fight breaks out and, sure enough, one lands on the
fence and burns it down.
God complains to the Devil and insists that the Devil rebuild the
fence.
The Devil says, "Sure, no problem. I've got all the union leaders
over here as well as most of the building contractors."
So, the fence is rebuilt but it's three feet to one side so that
Hell has taken over three feet of Heaven. God is PO'd.
"If you don't move that fence back," yells God, "I'm gonna sue
you."
"Yeah, right," says the Devil. "Where are you gonna get a lawyer?
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.
The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness"
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest". Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower".
*Ting-a-ling*
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.
The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness"
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.
"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest". Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower".
*Ting-a-ling*
A dating Amish couple Elizabeth and Eli, are riding down the road in their buggy. It's mid January and very cold.
Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid."
Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm them up."
Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's that hard thing in your pants?"
Eli answers, "That's my penis, it's frozen solid.. Maybe you can rub it and warm it up."
The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?"
Her mother retorts, "I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"
Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing, they sure are messy when they melt!"
Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid."
Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm them up."
Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's that hard thing in your pants?"
Eli answers, "That's my penis, it's frozen solid.. Maybe you can rub it and warm it up."
The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?"
Her mother retorts, "I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"
Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing, they sure are messy when they melt!"
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd
take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our
closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd
take it and pour it into the river." Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our
closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River'."
No Paper
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Drinking Jokes, Gross Jokes, Religious Jokes
A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
What was her maiden name?
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Religious JokesTwo Ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
The 7 dwarves in Rome
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Celebrity Jokes, Religious Jokes
The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular the nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least 1,70 meters tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason" (pause) "Positive? Nobody in a dark suit who is about 75-90 cm tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay. Thanks anyway."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why; so he listens to the dwarves as they leave the building:
"What did he say? What did he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy says: "He said, they don't have any short nuns."
And the other six dwarves start chanting "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! ...."
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least 1,70 meters tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason" (pause) "Positive? Nobody in a dark suit who is about 75-90 cm tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay. Thanks anyway."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why; so he listens to the dwarves as they leave the building:
"What did he say? What did he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy says: "He said, they don't have any short nuns."
And the other six dwarves start chanting "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! ...."
On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?"
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A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he
saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip.
That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find
his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of
a very old woman saying, "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
Startled, the burglar snarls back, "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get
hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.
Again the voice, "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally,
the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset
parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the
stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top.
Just then the parrot screams, "Sic 'em, Jesus!"
saw the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip.
That night he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find
his way in the dark when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of
a very old woman saying, "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
Startled, the burglar snarls back, "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get
hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.
Again the voice, "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!" Finally,
the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and in it a pretty upset
parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the
stairs, only to spot an enormous slavering doberman waiting at the top.
Just then the parrot screams, "Sic 'em, Jesus!"
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