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Voodoo Dick
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Magic Jokes, Police Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Sex Jokes
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He
was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except !!!" and he stopped."
businessman "Except what?"
the old man "Nothing, nothing."
businessman "C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
the old man "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
dick.'"
businessman "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said
"Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once
more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to
$700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny, she thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to
go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was
pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop
screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He
was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except !!!" and he stopped."
businessman "Except what?"
the old man "Nothing, nothing."
businessman "C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
the old man "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
dick.'"
businessman "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said
"Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once
more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to
$700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny, she thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to
go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was
pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop
screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
This guy is out golfing with his buddy one day and he says, "Man I haven't gotten laid in what seems like forever. I don't know what it is I'm just not getting any." So his buddy says, "Hey man I'll lend you my asian cleaning lady. She'll come in give you a beer, clean your house, fuck the hell out of you, and best of all she can't speak a word of english." So the guys like really man you mean it? And his buddy says,
"Yeah sure I'll send her over tomorrow."
So the next day this guy is at home and this cleaning lady shows up.
She hands him a beer, goes about cleaning his house, and when she's done stands over him and undresses. So they start going at it and she starts screaming "SAMPOWHY, SAMPOWHY!!!" And of course he starts thinking he's like super stud to get the lady to scream like that.
The next day he's feeling all good about himself and he's out golfing with his buddy again. On his first shot he hits a hole in one and just to rub it in he yells, "SAMPOWHY!" And his buddy looks at him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"
"Yeah sure I'll send her over tomorrow."
So the next day this guy is at home and this cleaning lady shows up.
She hands him a beer, goes about cleaning his house, and when she's done stands over him and undresses. So they start going at it and she starts screaming "SAMPOWHY, SAMPOWHY!!!" And of course he starts thinking he's like super stud to get the lady to scream like that.
The next day he's feeling all good about himself and he's out golfing with his buddy again. On his first shot he hits a hole in one and just to rub it in he yells, "SAMPOWHY!" And his buddy looks at him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"
A dating Amish couple Elizabeth and Eli, are riding down the road in their buggy. It's mid January and very cold.
Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid."
Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm them up."
Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's that hard thing in your pants?"
Eli answers, "That's my penis, it's frozen solid.. Maybe you can rub it and warm it up."
The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?"
Her mother retorts, "I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"
Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing, they sure are messy when they melt!"
Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid."
Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm them up."
Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's that hard thing in your pants?"
Eli answers, "That's my penis, it's frozen solid.. Maybe you can rub it and warm it up."
The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?"
Her mother retorts, "I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"
Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing, they sure are messy when they melt!"
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