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Now you won't see me for a while
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Relationship Jokes, Sex Jokes, Short JokesA young couple is on their honeymoon.
After start having great sex, he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."
"We're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where the heck do YOU think you're going?"
"Nowhere, sweetheart," he says. "Turn over."
That's my Rolex
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Blonde Jokes, Essex Girl Jokes, Sex JokesDown in Essex, a guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose blonde slapper. She was very receptive to his foreplay after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand down her panties.
She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried, "Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!"
"Ummm..." he said a bit uncomfortably, "that's my Rolex."
How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster! We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a premature ejaculation."
"What did he say when it occurred?"
"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."
Voodoo Dick
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Magic Jokes, Police Jokes, Relationship Jokes, Sex Jokestrip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much
like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought
about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He
was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his
situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick.
We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of
anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except !!!" and he stopped."
businessman "Except what?"
the old man "Nothing, nothing."
businessman "C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"
the old man "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo
dick.'"
businessman "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very
ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said
"Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack
developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said
"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once
more.
Businessman "I'll take it!"
The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to
$700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say
"Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny, she thought
of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but
it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to
go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the
car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo
On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was
pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't
been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop
screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:
"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
"Yeah sure I'll send her over tomorrow."
So the next day this guy is at home and this cleaning lady shows up.
She hands him a beer, goes about cleaning his house, and when she's done stands over him and undresses. So they start going at it and she starts screaming "SAMPOWHY, SAMPOWHY!!!" And of course he starts thinking he's like super stud to get the lady to scream like that.
The next day he's feeling all good about himself and he's out golfing with his buddy again. On his first shot he hits a hole in one and just to rub it in he yells, "SAMPOWHY!" And his buddy looks at him and says "What do you mean wrong hole?"
Elizabeth says to Eli, "My feet are frozen solid."
Eli says, "Well, put them in my lap. I'll rub them and warm them up."
Elizabeth does so and after a while she asks, "Eli, what's that hard thing in your pants?"
Eli answers, "That's my penis, it's frozen solid.. Maybe you can rub it and warm it up."
The next morning Elizabeth comes down for breakfast and asks her mother, "Ma, what do you know about penises?"
Her mother retorts, "I don't know, what do YOU know about penises?"
Elizabeth replies, "I know one thing, they sure are messy when they melt!"
I really fancy a 69
Posted By: Adult Jokster - More Jokes like this: Asian Jokes, Chinese Jokes, Sex JokesA man goes to a bar and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee".
When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable. Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee.
"I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want"
Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't believe his luck. so he says: "I really fancy a 69?.....
"Fuck Off" replies the girl..... "I'm not cooking at this time of night!"
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car
when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be
near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When
the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke
down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow
when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin'
with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the
farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little
horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she
quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to
teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have
to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them
go it all night long.
Forty years later, Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking
back and forth.
Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty
years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah", says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me neither" says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
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